The Buns of Enlightenment

In the basement lab of Greasewood University, under humming fluorescent lights and stacks of half-eaten corn dogs, lived Professor Cornelius Von Wacko—a culinary chemist known more for explosive mustard experiments than academic rigor. He wore lab goggles even while showering and once patented a deep-fried air molecule. Obsessed with food pairings, he had a single dream: discover the Universal Hotdog Beverage Pairing, a combination so profound it could spiritually unite mankind.

It was the morning of April 20th, a date he had circled on his calendar with a mustard-stained finger. To most, it was either Easter Sunday or 4/20—celebrations of resurrection and recreational reflection, respectively. But to Cornelius, it was simply “National Bun Fusion Day,” the pinnacle of his annual research.

Armed with his lab assistant, a sentient air fryer named Fritz, he began his quest.

“Fritz,” he announced, placing a tofu brat onto a hemp-seed bun, “today we fuse the sacred with the stoned. We ascend!”

He tried pair after pair:

• A Polish dog with pickle soda? Too briny.

• A bacon-wrapped chorizo with chocolate milk? Existentially terrifying.

• A vegan carrot dog with kombucha? Surprisingly transcendental—but still missing something.

Hours passed. The lab was filled with steam, vape clouds, and Gregorian chants he played on loop for "spiritual ambiance." Frustrated, Cornelius slammed his fist on the table—right onto a marshmallow Peep.

“Blasphemy,” he whispered, licking his fingers. And then—a vision.

Through the sugary haze, Cornelius saw a giant hotdog in the sky, wrapped in a radiant golden bun. At its side: a glowing chalice of Baja Blast. Angels played kazoo renditions of Bob Marley songs. A voice echoed:

“Seek not the perfect flavor, Wacko… seek the perfect vibe.”

He awoke on the lab floor with a Peep stuck to his forehead and tears in his eyes. The truth was clear.

He returned to the table and crafted the final pairing:

• A simple all-beef hotdog, topped with honey-glazed ham, jellybean relish, and microgreens.

• Beverage: a mason jar of chilled lavender lemonade, with a sprig of basil and one gummy bear floating like a saint.

As he took a bite, time slowed. Fritz played Enya. Outside, students gathered, drawn by the smell, the aura… the vibes. Laughter echoed. Someone lit a joint. Someone else cracked open a Bible. A rabbit did a cartwheel. Unity bloomed.

Cornelius looked to the sky, smiling, eyes watery with joy (and mustard).

“I understand now,” he whispered. “Easter is about rebirth… and 420 is about rebalance. And hotdogs? Hotdogs are about bringing weird stuff together and making it… work.”

He then named the pairing: The Holy Roll.

And every April 20th since, people gather not just to celebrate Easter, or 4/20—but to share hotdogs in peace, love, and extremely creative condiments.

Wanna invent some hotdog pairings of your own?