How to Create a Fancy 5-Course Meal Using Only 7-Eleven Ingredients (April Fools’ Edition)

By Will Oberst "Not-Quite-Michelin" Muncher, Culinary Arts Professor

Greetings, aspiring chefs! Today, I’m going to teach you how to craft an exquisite 5-course meal, complete with sophisticated beverage pairings, using only the finest ingredients you can find at a 7-Eleven convenience store. I know what you’re thinking—“7-Eleven? A culinary haven? You must be joking!” Well, friends, I assure you that with a bit of creativity, a dash of resourcefulness, and, of course, a sprinkling of April Fool's magic, a masterpiece can be created even from the most unexpected places.

Let’s embark on this culinary adventure together. Here’s the blueprint for a truly gourmet meal, straight from the heart of your nearest 7-Eleven. Bon appétit!

Appetizer: "Truffle" Chips and Slim Jim Tartare

Ingredients:

• 1 bag of 7-Eleven “Truffle” flavored potato chips (because let’s face it, they don’t call it ‘gourmet’ for nothing).

• 1 Slim Jim or two (or three... no judgment).

• A sprinkle of crushed pretzels (for that crunch, darling).

Beverage Pairing:

• An ice-cold Slurpee, the flavor of your choice. The vibrant, sweet tang will enhance the umami notes of the Slim Jim tartare. Trust me, this is a pairing that says, “I know what I'm doing.”

Preparation: Start by delicately crushing the truffle chips into a fine powder. Gently mix with diced Slim Jims (make sure to use the finest Slim Jim—beef is always a classic choice). The pretzel garnish will bring both texture and a subtle salty note to elevate this dish. Plop the entire masterpiece onto a napkin (because napkins are the most “luxurious” serving medium you can find in a 7-Eleven).

Soup Course: Microwaveable Chili with Hot Dog Foam

Ingredients:

• A bowl of 7-Eleven’s finest microwavable chili.

• A couple of hot dogs (preferably the ones from the roller grill—extra crispy, of course).

• A dollop of sour cream (it’s an option, folks, though you may need to ask the cashier for it).

• A sprinkle of shredded mozzarella cheese, the kind that’s probably not mozzarella but definitely “cheese-like.”

Beverage Pairing:

• A bottled energy drink. The intense carbonation and neon colors will awaken your senses, while also offering an unexpected burst of energy for the rest of the meal.

Preparation: Microwave the chili to perfection (be sure to follow the instructions—this is fine dining, after all). While it’s warming, carefully slice your hot dogs and lightly char them with a lighter (for that authentic “flame-grilled” experience). Create a whimsical hot dog foam by blending them together in a blender with a dash of chili liquid and a secret ingredient: pure 7-Eleven mystery.

Ladle the chili into a bowl and garnish with your hot dog foam (sophistication is key). Top it off with a swirl of sour cream and a sprinkle of mozzarella for a dish that says, "I'm taking risks—but in a very delicious way."

Main Course: Ramen Noodle Beef Wellington

Ingredients:

• A pack of 7-Eleven beef-flavored ramen noodles (no, really, it works).

• A microwaveable frozen cheeseburger (choose wisely; the cheeseburger can make or break this dish).

• A slice of Swiss cheese from the sandwich section (because we need that Swiss touch).

• A tablespoon of mustard (to tie it all together).

Beverage Pairing:

• A cold can of soda—your choice. A cola or root beer will bring an unexpected effervescence to this hearty dish.

Preparation: First, prepare the ramen noodles per the instructions—don’t forget to save the seasoning packet for that deep, savory beef flavor. While that’s cooking, wrap the frozen cheeseburger in the Swiss cheese and microwave it to perfection.

Now, here’s where things get truly innovative. Instead of a traditional puff pastry, we’ll use the ramen noodles as a “crust.” Press the noodles into a muffin tin, molding them into a perfect "Wellington shell." Place the cheesy burger inside, and top with a squirt of mustard for that extra zing. Microwave until the whole thing melts into a gooey, savory masterpiece.

Dessert: “Chocolate” Pudding & Cookie Ice Cream Parfait

Ingredients:

• A 7-Eleven chocolate pudding cup (extra creamy, just like Mom used to make... but with fewer ingredients).

• A package of the most prestigious cookies in the store—those pre-packaged, slightly stale ones that have been sitting there for an unspecified amount of time.

• A scoop of soft-serve ice cream from the machine (why not?).

Beverage Pairing:

• A tall, refreshing bottle of Vitamin Water. The electrolytes will prepare you for the inevitable sugar rush.

Preparation: Layer the chocolate pudding into a bowl like a fine mousse, followed by crumbled cookies (use your hands, the utensils are merely a suggestion). Finish with a generous scoop of soft-serve ice cream. Because this dessert is best served in true “gourmet” fashion, top with a cherry from the sundae station (if available). The combination of textures is truly transcendent.

The Grand Finale: A 7-Eleven Wine Pairing (For the Adventurous Connoisseur)

To elevate this meal further, I recommend pairing it with the finest wine available at your local 7-Eleven. What’s that? You don’t see wine? Well, there’s always the option of pairing your meal with a bottle of something exotic like “Twisted Tea” or “Cactus Cooler.” The bright, fruity flavors will leave your taste buds in awe, and you’ll feel like an absolute pioneer in the world of wine pairings.

And there you have it, folks! A true culinary masterpiece, all made possible with the wonders of 7-Eleven. You may have doubted me at first, but now I hope you see the magic that can happen when we push the boundaries of fine dining and convenience. Happy April Fools’ Day—may your meals always be as creative and, well, as questionable as this one.

Bon appétit! (Or should I say, "Slurpee-appétit?")